Rage. Probably political rage. Maybe just personal rage. Lots of sarcasm and cynicism. Also pretty pictures.
Hi. I’m Mitt Romney.
If you watched last night’s debates and are a Republican, you were probably heartened by my performance. You likely came in expecting me to stumble and continue through my epic gaffe-a-thon that’s bedeviled my campaign in recent weeks. Oh, did I say weeks? I meant months.
I know that I’m not your ideal candidate. After all, I gave my state of Massachusetts the universal healthcare that you so deride. I once recognized that gay couples should have the right to marry. (Or copulate or something like that. I dunno, I’ve tried to erase that memory from my mind. Pomade helps!) And… well, that was more than enough to make you not like me. Some of you don’t even think of me as a true conservative! I guess that’s so.
But hey, thanks for sticking with me. I fully recognize that I’m not Ronald Reagan, in the way Newt Gingrich claimed to be. I know I don’t have Tea Party support the way Michele Bachmann or Herman Cain did. I know I don’t have the charm of Sarah Palin or the statesmanship of John McCain. I know that, I know that. So I hope that last night’s debate proved that, if anything, I can fake my way through a debate with aggression and soundbites. Don’t you worry — my Reagan moment is coming! I just hope you can wait until November 6th or so for it to show up.
Now if you’re a Democrat, well, I’m sorry I didn’t collapse like a flan in a cupboard, as you had hoped. Yes, in recent days and weeks, you thought that I was going to be a softy on stage, that my skin would melt under the lights and expose the robot that I really am. But now you’ve seen my, um, softer side? You’ve seen that I can exchange blows and parry and thrust with the best of them. And the best of them just happens to be Barack Obama!
Yes, I had plenty of nothing to say, but I barked and interrupted and talked over the President and for some reason, everyone in the mainstream media loved it! And, more importantly, I completely smashed all liberals’ expectations that I was the second coming of Rick Perry. Here’s the Mormon God’s honest truth: I am the second coming of Rick Perry. I just do a better job of hiding it behind an attack dog exterior. Arf! Arf!
So to sum up: Republicans, you’re welcome for me not collapsing. Democrats: I’m sorry for not collapsing. There are still two more presidential debates, and as we’ve seen from the American League, anything can happen! Especially if people keep forgetting that I hide my wealth in the Cayman Islands, invented Obamacare, and — oh yes — that I don’t give a shit about 47% of Americans.
Hey, can you please forget I said that last sentence? Thanks.
MITT ROMNEY. (via inothernews)